Presents With Multiple Uses
by Devon Marie Darling
Summary: Your name is Dave Strider and you were just supposed to be bringing your sort of-sister/best friend lunch at the freaky, gothic sex shop where she works and holy shit that better not fucking be your heart fluttering just because some buck-tooth dork just smiled at you. (Originally posted on Archive of Our Own)


Devon: So a while ago I was suffering from some serious writer's block for Every Day (my ongoing FrUk fanfiction for the Hetalia fandom) and I wrote this based off a list from tumblr titled "AUs we need more of". I posted this on ao3 back in March and I'm just now getting to posting it here because...I'm...lazy and forgetful.

Warning: I really do. not. know what I'm doing

Disclaimer: I think everyone knows I do not own Homestuck I mean lets be honest

Rating: Teen because nothing bad happens but...they're in a sex shop

Presents With Multiple Uses  
>DaveJohn (Dave Strider x John Egbert) Karezi (Karkat Vantas x Terezi Pyrope)

-Your name is Dave Strider and you're not really sure what you're doing outside a freaky gothic sex shop at two in the afternoon.

Okay technically you know what you're doing-you're bringing lunch to your weird best friend/sort-of sister who works at the freaky gothic sex shop but you're not sure why you can't bring yourself to go inside. You've been standing outside the weird black and purple building for the last ten minutes just staring at the sign above the door with a paper bag from some vegetarian place down the road in one hand and a fucking half-gallon of iced tea in the other. People around the area are probably looking at you weirdly and it's not like you care what any of them think but you wish you could at least put one hand in the pocket of your sweatshirt instead of having them both hanging awkwardly down at your sides like some kind of fucking nerd.

You wait a few more minutes and finally decide to go inside when your phone blares four seconds of one of your original mixes-which are definitely cooler than any of the notification sounds already on your phone-alerting you to a text message. It's probably just Rose wondering where the hell her food is.

Unsurprisingly, the inside of the sex shop is very dimly lit and it takes a few minutes for you to be able to see again without taking off your shades. You always wear your shades-for ironic purposes as well as the fact that you were born with freaky-as-hell red eyes that hurt like a bitch around strong natural or artificial light-so you find yourself both thankful for the slight relief as well as irritated that you have to stand in the door for another minute and a half like some dork until you can see again.

After a few seconds you can make out the vague outline of your blonde sister-friend sitting behind the register smack dab in the middle of the store. She's turned to the side, talking to a customer so she hasn't seen you yet. Her boss, Kanaya, who you've met a few times when Rose had her over and is pretty cool for a strangely scholarly part-time manager of a sex shop, is standing next to Rose and holding some kind of contraption that looks more painful than pleasurable from what you can tell. Trying to let your eyes adjust a bit more, you take a look around. Directly to your right is presumably a couple around your age. A guy sits in a wheelchair with both sides of his head shaved and a strip of floppy brown hair down the middle of his head with bangs hanging in his eyes. He looks even more uncomfortable than you feel as his dark haired girlfriend with a bright blue streak in her bangs holds up different outfits to him. In the back corner of the room is another female-and-male duo, both with dark, messy hair. You can't really tell what they're looking at from where you're standing and you're not honestly sure you want to.

You place Rose's lunch on the counter and plaster a small, lazy smirk on your face. Rose finishes up with her customer and turns to you with a knowing smile. You know instantly your farce is up-she totally knows you're extremely uncomfortable right now-but you keep going with it anyways.

"Hey babe." You try and bring out your southern drawl as much as possible and you know it works when Rose's shoulders hunch forward ever so slightly in silent laughter. Like you, Rose isn't much for showing emotion away from home. Kanaya arches a brow at your thick accent but doesn't say anything.

"My knight, come to save me from the terrifying reign of hunger." Rose says in a deadpan, taking her lunch and hiding it from plain sight. "How can I ever repay you?"

"Well to start you could tell me why the hell you work in this creepy-ass shop." You reply, shifting your weight to lean against the counter. A large, purple, stuffed creature is hanging in the corner. You feel like its dark beady eyes are watching you and it makes you even more uncomfortable to be inside this shop. When you looked back at Rose she still has that irritating, knowing smile on her face.

"I like it here. I get to meet all kinds of people."

You scoff. "You just get off analyzing the weirdos who actually shop in a place like this and get material for your creepy erotic fanfiction."

Rose neither confirms nor denies your statement and god do you wish she would stop watching you with those freaky purple eyes of her's.

"Why don't you have a look around, Dave?" Rose finally says, placing her clasped hands on the counter. It's very much like her "therapist" stance she takes at home and you wished you understood enough psychology to get where she was going with this new suggestion.

"I'm really not interested in your sex toys." You say, in the same instance you feel someone's breath on the back of your neck and that someone buries their face into your hair.

"Yeah, come on cool kid, look around." You would be uncomfortable if it was anyone else sniffing you but Terezi had always been kind of weird-honestly you're glad you got off easy with sniffing this time around since she has a habit of licking things and people-but cool.

Terezi moves around so that you can actually see her and you notice her short dark hair is messier than usual and her red-lensed glasses are sitting on the top of her head instead of on the bridge of her nose. You decide not to ask about that.

"Is that a crayon in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" You ask as a greeting. Unlike Rose, Terezi has no qualms about being herself in public and throws her head back with a hearty laugh. Rose and Kanaya both shake their heads at the two of you. Terezi removes the "crayon" from her pocket and whacks your thigh with it. It's actually her walking stick, just folded up and put away because she's familiar with the layout of the store being an employee of some kind-you're not actually sure what her title is-and so she doesn't need it. You can't help but have a slight smile on your face, Terezi has a way of making you smile even when you're in public and really don't want to. "So where are you headed to?" The only reason Terezi would have her walking stick with her is if she had somewhere to go.

"Shouty's taking me to lunch." Terezi replies with a very "cat-who-ate-the-canary" like grin. You try not to grimace too noticeably. So _that_ was why she was so disheveled.

"So where is Mr. Shouty now?" You ask, wondering why you somehow hadn't noticed him yet. Before Terezi can answer you hear a familiar voice from the faraway corner of the room.

"YOU WANT HIM TO PUT WHAT WHERE?"

The four of you standing around the register turn to see Karkat, flushed as usual, waving his arms at the couple you had briefly glanced at when you came in.

-Your name is John Egbert and you really can't believe Jade forced you to come to sex shop at two in the afternoon on your birthday.

Okay maybe you can kind of believe it-this is Jade Harley your best friend since forever we're talking about here but still. It's a "little" weird.

Like you said, Jade Harley has been your best friend since forever and she has taken it upon herself to "begin opening your innocent virgin eyes to the ways of sex"-her words not yours-starting today, on your eighteenth birthday. It's not like you're clueless about this kind of stuff, honestly you went through puberty like every other unfortunate teenager on the planet but apparently that isn't good enough for her. You weren't originally too keen on the idea but now you're _really _sure this is not how you wanted to spend your birthday. Mostly because of how seriously Jade is looking at and contemplating the sex toys _you_ are supposed to later use on _your _body. Honestly after today you don't know if you'll ever be able to look at any of this stuff and not think of Jade's face when she asked you how far you thought you could stretch.

You shudder and thankfully Jade doesn't notice and mistake it as some kind of involuntary movement inspired by arousal from whatever monstrosity she's currently holding. If you're not mistaken, there are tentacles attached to this one.

"Jaaaade," You whine hoping that if you make yourself sound as pitiful as possible the two of you can just forget this whole sex thing and go get lunch and catch a movie like you usually do for your birthday. "Do we haaavvveee to do this?"

"John," Jade says very seriously while holding a box depicting a hot pink dildo with bunnies on it that effectively destroys any semblance of seriousness that this conversation might have previously had. "Let me get you a fucking birthday present."

"Why are there rabbits on that?"

"That one is specifically made for enhanced female stimulation; I don't think you'll want that one John."

You feel a blush heat up the tips of your ears and the back of your neck as a third person joins the conversation. That was another downside to allowing Jade to drag you here-your mutual friend Rose _worked _here.

"Reallllyyyyy…?" Jade coos looking at the box with inspired interest. "I might have to get myself an early birthday present as well."

You groan. You don't know what you did to deserve this but you are very, _very_ sorry. Jade, and you're assuming, Rose both laugh at your obvious discomfort and then Rose has to attend to a customer leaving you alone to Jade's torment once more.

A few minutes later Jade is talking to you about proper use of something or another while your attention is focused on the front of the shop. In the door way stands a blond guy, somewhere around your age. He's got shades on and a baggy red sweatshirt. In his hands there is a bag from some local vegetarian place you've never gone to but you've heard a lot about and a huge Styrofoam cup. After a minute or so the blond walks forward and places his items on the counter beside Rose. You don't see what happens after that however because Jade's voice is joined by another and it brings you back.

Your friend Karkat has joined the two of you in the corner. Really you're surprised to see him here until you remember Terezi works here too. You're not really sure what the relationship between the two of them is but something is obviously going on. Jade is telling Karkat about her plan and you both are progressively getting redder. Desperate to find some kind of distraction before Jade kills you from embarrassment you look back to the register. Rose, Terezi, and the blond guy are all talking. You wonder how they all know each other.

In the back of your mind it registers that Karkat's voice is starting to raise-not that you're surprised by that-and just as it occurs to you that if he and Jade start fighting they could very well draw attention to the three of you: Karkat yells. You don't even pay attention to what he says, you just go with your instincts and lunge, covering his mouth with your hand.

"Jade what did you say to him?" You cry, letting Karkat push you away and covering your face with your hands. Other people are laughing as well and you turn slightly to peek at the onlookers. Kanaya, Rose, and the cute blond guy all look mildly amused. Terezi is laughing, along with a girl near the door. With a horrified yelp you realize the girl is Vriska and the blushing guy next to her is Tavros and you know there is no way you are ever going to live this down.

Jade ignores both you and Karkat, skipping over to the counter brandishing multiple boxes.

"Rose," Jade coos sweetly, laying out her selection. "Which do you think would work best for our favorite little virgin?"

-Your name is Dave Strider and wow that guy is _really _fucking cute.

The couple Karkat was harassing turned slightly as one of them covered Karkat's mouth, and you could see the flushed face of a guy somewhere around your age. His dark hair was a mess, like he just rolled out of bed, and the glasses-and-buck-teeth thing he had going on just screamed dork but fuck was he a cute dork.

The conversation between Karkat, the cute dork, and the female wasn't very loud once Karkat stopped talking but you couldn't pull your attention away from them.

Suddenly the girl spins on her heel and skips over to the counter with her arms full. Karkat's mouth dropped open and it looked like he wanted to yell again but nothing came out. Even from where you were standing you could see the cute dork's eyes grow wide.

"Rose," the girl says sweetly. "Which do you think would work best for our favorite little virgin?"

Thankful that your shades hide the movement, you look between Rose who apparently knows the couple, the selection of sex toys on the counter, and the "little virgin" covering his face and half-hiding behind Karkat. Honestly, you feel a little embarrassed _for _him. Without hesitation, Rose begins listing pros and cons of each item presented to her and setting aside for sure good and bad choices. The dark haired girl who had started this was listening with rampart attention. Karkat, tool that he was, had abandoned his blushing friend to stand by Terezi.

Very slowly the messy haired guy slunk over to the counter. He tried to make himself as small as possible while standing next to the "instigator" but while thin, he was pretty tall and it didn't really work. You briefly wonder if he's taller than you. And then you notice that he's looking at you. It's a brief glance and at first you think you imagined it but then it happens again. He peeks over at you for a quick second and then looks to the ground or the doors or the ceiling-anywhere but at the counter. He has the bluest fucking eyes you've ever seen in your life. They are so damn bright you can't believe they're real honestly.

The next time he looks at you, your eyes meet which he probably can't tell because of your shades but you notice. It does something weird to your chest. He looks away and chews on his bottom lip nervously. Suddenly it feels about fifteen degrees warmer in here.

You feel someone punch your arm and you finally tear your gaze away from the blue-eyed boy to look at Terezi. She's smiling at you like she knows something and you find yourself wondering-again-exactly _how _intense her sense of smell is.

"See ya cool kid." Is all she says and you're thankful for that. God knows Rose probably would have said something.

You throw one arm around her shoulders and squeeze her very briefly as thanks for her not saying anything. When you see the slight flush to Karkat's cheeks you keep your arm around Terezi's shoulders just a little longer.

"You treat my lady right, ya hear?" You pull the accent card again just because you know it really pisses Karkat off. He turns even redder and grabs Terezi's hand. He's making some kind of weird hissing noise you're not even sure is human as he pulls the blind girl away from you. Terezi is laughing.

Once they're gone you look back to the counter where only two toys are left. After a moment's hesitation, the girl pulls open her messenger bag and rummages around.

"We'll take both."

The dork next to her groans loudly and covers his face. Rose shoulders shake ever so slightly as she rings them up and you feel even worse for him.

"Enjoy yourself." Rose says when she hands the bag over to him. He holds it away from his body and sticks his tongue out at Rose in a totally immature, totally adorable kind of way.

"Just think of the great time you're going to have tonight!" The unknown girl exclaims cheerily and his mouth drops open.

"_Jade!_"

"Jade" laughs at his expense and pushes the poor boy to the door, waving goodbye to Rose and thanking her for all her help.

"Happy Birthday." Kanaya calls, speaking up for the first time in this conversation and he replies with a meek "thank you". Your eyes meet briefly one last time before "Jade" shoves him outside.

The sex shop is silent for a good five to ten minutes afterwards. Finally you straighten up, ready to leave.

"He's cute, isn't he Dave?" Rose asks suddenly. You arch an eyebrow at her.

"I didn't really think he was your type." You replied. She smirks.

"No but I think we both know he's yours."

Before either of you can say anything else the door to the sex shop opens again. The blue-eyed beauty is standing in the door way with a box in one arm. When he realizes everyone is looking at him, he blushes and the coloring covers his whole face but he continues the rest of the way inside. Very quickly he makes his way over to the middle of the shop. He puts the box down in front of you. The two of you are standing really close-close enough for you to notice that his eye lashes are really long and he smells really good and you're not really sure who's taller. Suddenly he turns and his baby blue meet yours very briefly and he smiles at you and holy shit that better not fucking be your heart fluttering just because some buck-tooth dork just smiled at you.

And then he's gone.

It takes you a minute to recover from whatever that weirdness was. Rose and Kanaya are both looking at you expectantly and after a second you realize they want you to look at the box he left.

You pick it up. There's a yellow sticky note on top of the box.

_john egbert :B i_s written in small, rounded letters. Underneath that is a phone number.

_ectoBiologist_ is written under the phone number in a different handwriting.

You think you might be blushing as you reread the information on the sticky note but then you realize the box you're holding is not empty and you peel the sticky note off to see what it is.

You suppose you should have expected as much but you still feel your cheeks heat up when you realize one of the recently purchased dildos is what "John" used to deliver his message.

Despite being in public, Rose is openly giggling and you know that means she can see you blushing.

You're not quite sure if you want to kick "John's" ass, kiss him, or put this thing to good use first but you pocket the sticky note with every intention of using _it_ later tonight.

Rose is still laughing when you leave the sex shop.

Devon: *jazz hands*


End file.
